Peace

What is peace? Is peace a part of human nature? Is it the natural state of humans from whence we create war in society? Is Jean-Jacques Rousseau right when he says private property creates war and society is created from war, to fool, chain and enslave to poor? Or is it Thomas Hobbes who is correct in saying that humans are naturally in a state of war and peace is created by strong government? Are we creatures of peace or war?

Unfortunately I will answer none of these questions. No, really. I'm simply not clever enough. What I will write about, though, is pants.

Are you a briefs or boxers man? Or if you're a lady french knickers or thong? (I presume of course that you're not willing to tell us the truth; that all women wear big pants unless they're out to impress. A quote from a favourite sitcom of mine: 'There are three things all men should know, and it’s time you did too. You’re never going to be famous, you’re fatter than you think, and most important of all, they don’t keep wearing stockings')

Are pants the solution to all our peace problems (or rather lack-of-peace problems)? It has been said that the uptight wear briefs. I think its something to do with the air circulation. But anyway, maybe if we wore no pants the world would be a better place. I'm sure there would be more trouble at schools, whenever a bully pulled down another boy's shorts it would be infinetly more embarrassing. But maybe that would stop them doing it. You won't pull down someone's trousers if the threat of someone else doing it to you will inevitably put on show your tiny penis. (Disclaimer: I'm not saying all bullies have tiny penises. But they do, don't they? You've gotta wonder where all that agression's coming from. Well, its either a tiny willy or they're gay anyway. Take your pick)

As I said earlier, there's a link between Y-Fronts and aggression in popular mythology. And maybe there is a link, I mean we all saw those pictures of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein in his shining white briefs (does he use Daz by the way? They really are very white. But I'm not sure a picture of him on the front would sell as many boxes as a cute baby. Advertising students: an experiment perhaps?) and, despite the lack of empirical evidence on the matter, I've got a sneaking suspician Hitler was a tighty-whitey guy. Would Stalin be so sure of himself as to kill millions if he'd been hanging free? I think there's a vulnerability there that would surely cease war?

It's natural after all, we weren't born in pants. To seriously misquote Rousseau: 'Man was born free, yet everywhere he is in pants'. Or maybe just a little freedom for the pair-down-there would suffice. Would Hitler have gone to war if he'd worn a pair of loose-fitting boxers? How different would the world be had he woken up on washing day and found he had only one shoddy pair of boxers to wear? Would he have thought 'No! I shan't invade Czechoslovakia, I'll pull a sicky and watch some Charlie Chaplin. Man I like his moustache'?

But maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. Do we really want peace? Peace, after all, is merely the antithesis of war. Without war there is no concept of peace, and that, I think we all agree, is not good. With no war there can be no peace. And how boring would life be with no little conflicts? We cannot love as extremely if we cannot hate. So we need a little hate, a little war to make the good bits of life even better. It certainly makes our music better; no punk, no Motown, no R Kelly without hate and love. And how much better are our lives that the Housemartins song doesn't say 'every woman, every man, join the caravan of normality and nothingness'.

So there we are. We need war for peace. We need pants. But not too much. So I ask you, brothers and sisters, burn your pants, we can be free! But we must sacrifice a few to the cause of panted life. They can be commissioners for the EU, noone will notice them anyway.

People of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your pants!